Chemo for me is a little bit like being pregnant...

It occurred to me this morning as I was frantically racing to my refrigerator to make sweet potato hash before I perished from the sheer desire for sweet potato hash that going through chemo is surprisingly like when I was pregnant.

Something is growing inside me and I pray about it all the time.  There is incredible technology out there in the medical fields - whether it be my OB/GYN or my Oncologist team - they have ways to look at things.  Ways to give you odds and predictions (always prefaced by the "now there's no guarantee" and "everybody's different").  But when you get down to it - there is no way to know the exact outcome until the time of the exact outcome.

So, I pray. 

I asked God to take care of my unborn children.  To give me the strength and wisdom to make the best choices for them (especially since I waited until most of my friends were realistically close becoming a grandparent before I had my daughter!).  To fill me with positivity and joy and peace so the only energy they would feel was that they would be safe and loved and able to thrive.

Now I pray for many of the same things.  Strength and wisdom and peace and positivity....Why does my computer not think Positivity is a word?  Has my computer not met me?  Has it not been here when I have typed it, had it put the red squiggly line under, basically calling me an idiot, and then seen me ignore and continue to type?  Does my computer not understand that if I use it frequently in conversation and can't think of another way to spell it and choose to continue to type it that IT IS A WORD?  Anyway, I have prayed a lot during this breast cancer ordeal. 

The big difference is I am praying for God to kick the living crap out of this cancer.  Not nurture it.  Not help it thrive.  Help ME thrive.  Help cancer die!  But still - I feel the same focus and peace and purpose when I pray as I did when I was pregnant.  Praying for the inside.  The unknown.  The hope for tomorrow.

The fatigue...man, talk about something like being pregnant!  I could sleep anywhere at a moment's notice when I was expecting.  Anywhere!  Totally not like me.  I can nap occasionally - but usually, I sleep best in my controlled environment in a made bed with an exact positioning of pillows, ceiling fan speed and temperature.

With chemo - BAM!  I am out like a light when the fatigue hits.  I'm certain it's not pretty, but so many things about chemo aren't pretty that I just don't care.  I sleep.  In a chair, in the car, in the car-rider line at Central, on the stairs (that was just one time, but I think it speaks to the Ninja fatigue that hits you out of nowhere?)

With pregnancy, I was making a person - it made sense.  With chemo, I am filled with poison and trying to kill a demon disease - all very tiring work for this old body.

Which brings me to another similarity...no matter how tough it is physically - it's worth it!

We had quite a journey getting pregnant with our son - our daughter, like everything else she does, decided she wanted to be born and that was that!  But with my first pregnancy, we thought we would be those fun dog-parents and fill our lives with other things.  And then I got pregnant.  At 37.  And all the things that happened to my body were weird and I was a hot emotional mess and my ankles took a 7 month vacation and the extra testing because of my age were awful and expensive and at one point, I had to have a wisdom tooth extracted - and I did it in the dentist's office with a local anesthesia and no pain meds after because I didn't want anything to happen to my baby.

Point being - no matter what I needed to do - I did it.  No matter how icky or tired or emotional I felt - I pushed through it.  Because I was making a person - a person I had been dreaming about for 5 years.  My beautiful boy.  And then my phenomenal daughter.  Whatever nature through at me - I was up to the challenge.  I feel certain I whined and probably moaned.  And at delivery time - I signed the paper for the epidural, knowing that I wasn't going to have it.  I breathed and panted and concentrated and trusted and had two ginormous babies naturally.  Because it was worth it.

And no matter what chemo brings to the party - I am up to the challenge.  No matter how much I want to lay around - I get up.  No matter how tired it makes me - I rest and restart.  No matter how hard the nausea pushes me - I sip the ginger tea and nourish my body with fresh fruits and stay strong.  If chemo keeps me up all night - I find positive things to fill those hours instead of worrying about what I can't control.  And when the next treatment looms - I find my center, ask for help, lean on my family and friends, trust in my ability to do whatever it takes because no matter how hard it is - it's worth the fight.

Amazing?  Right?  Chemo and Pregnancy - kind of the same, but totally different.

All of this realization brought on by the most obvious similarity - CRAVINGS!

Oh my goodness!  I craved Enchiladas with my son for about the first 5 months, then anything spicy - but especially the green chili cheese crisps from Via deLoSantos in Phoenix...it was embarrassing how often we went there so I could not be a crazy person pacing up and down the hall of our tiny home craving that cheese crisp...which I could make, but it wasn't the same!  With my daughter - watermelon from start to finish.  I have pictures of me at work, on a plane, at the park, at restaurants with little zipper bags of watermelon chunks because it was all I wanted.

I think it's ironic that watermelon was all I wanted with my first and second chemo.  I was averaging an entire watermelon every day or two...all by myself!  Near the end of chemo #2 came an addiction to stone fruits and now that we are into the second recovery week of Chemo #3 - it's sweet potato hash and eggs.  It's crazy.   I wake up and can't function until I get my fix.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner - who cares...just get me some sweet potato hash and eggs...NOW!  Sadly, there is no restaurant in town that makes what I am craving...so I am forced to cook myself and everyone in my house is DONE with this for every meal...so I am kind of on my own.  But I am fighting cancer - so they just have to deal with it.

I expect that is why my husband has been so amazing during all this - he got to practice dealing with my particular brand of crazy when I was pregnant with our kiddos.  He was ready to deal with Chemo Brain and Chemo Emotion and Chemo Cravings and Ninja Fatigue, because, for me, it is eerily similar to Pregnancy Brain, Pregnancy Emotion and Pregnancy Cravings and Fatigue.  Who knew?