Chemo is Cumulative

Chemo is not what I expected.  Even after asking all the questions I had typed meticulously into my phone - it was not what I expected.

It was harder and easier than I expected.  It was less personal.  It wasn't like the movies. I wasn't as scary, but it was terrifying if I let myself think about it too much.  And - worst of the worst - it didn't follow my rules!!!!

I took good notes through each session, each week leading up to each session and every hour (or so it seemed) after each infusion so I could prepare for the next one. 

Guess what?  The days after forgot that I like things organized and planned.  The days after forgot that it would be easier for me if they followed a pattern...what the...???

After my second treatment, day 6 after my second treatment, during a call to Krystal The Beautiful Soul (my oncologist's nurse) the light bulb went off when she said...

Chemo is CUMULATIVE.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

So, even though they space the chemo treatments out by 21 days exactly (that's based on the type of treatment I got specifically and the insurance company's policy on payment - NOT about needed recovery time, etc) - it's not because it takes your body 21 days to recover from the last infusion and be ready for the next infusion...It doesn't work like that.

The first treatment - I was out of the weird in about 7 and a half days.

The second treatment - it took me more like 12 days to feel right again.

The third treatment - it took every second of the entire 21 days...and I probably could have used a couple more.

This last treatment - well...I guess we'll see!

I asked some questions, did some reading, did some online research and have decided that the poison or chemo or whatever just sort of soaks up in your system and because it's poison - it also slows down all the stuff that might help get it out of you quicker with each treatment.

So, tired became exhausted.  A head cold turned into a 2 week battle with snot and sneezing and a scratchy throat.  That tinny, aluminum taste in my mouth turned into the bottom of a bird cage.  The emotional, teary side became this weeping, openly sobbing, crazed person who was incapable of watching commercials or those human interest stories during the Olympics...I was terrifying!  And my chemo brain has morphed into a blob that was slightly frustrated by not being able to finish sentences to a jiggly, jell-o mass that breaks into hysterical laughter because I'm too tired to care that I can't remember!

I belch in front of my kids and don't care.  It happens and I am too full of chemo to waste energy hiding it.  Heck, sometimes I don't even say "Excuse me!"  I let a swear word slip out in traffic a couple of days ago and to their credit - the kids gasped and then both sent me looks to say "It's okay mom"...until they both started giggling and screaming with laughter.  I un-apologetically take midday naps.  I get up in the middle of conversations to go to bed.  I chomp ice in front of and around the entire world.  I don't care.  I'm full-up with chemo and need all my extra strength to get it out!

The good news is - every day is about getting better.  No more chemo going in, only chemo going out.  It's a lot easier to handle the weary, wobbly days when I know they are the last of their kind.  They may last longer than the last time, but from here on out - each and every day is going to be better.  No more build up.  No more poison.  

Clearly, chemo kicked my butt...because I started this post nearly 2 months ago...and then, radiation kicked my butt...my chest and armpit, to be specific.  And now it's over.  I am getting prepared for the next phase...the crazy lady drugs.  Not really excited about them, but the deal I made with myself and my children is - whatever it takes.

For those who care to read about chemo and cancer treatment...I'm going to go ahead and post this because it's important information.  The idea of cumulative.  The idea that cancer treatment doesn't have to and rarely follows any rules.  That the reason doctors and nurses and techs say "Everyone's experience is different" is because Everyone's Experience IS Different!

The tinny taste is 100% gone (JOY!), the fatigue lingers, the weeping is waning and I can complete sentences and tasks and thoughts and remember birthdays, etc.  All is well in my cancer world - On with the FIGHT!