Chemo Week #2

Chemo Week - it's a phenomenon.  To me, at least.  It's sneaky and doesn't follow a specific pattern (can I tell you how much that frustrates this control freak?) and it's fraught with emotion.  For me, at least.

As I've said, all doctors, nurses, techs, survivors, caregivers, neighbors and relatives will tell you Chemo is different for everyone.  It's starting to feel like those warnings they make you sign at every doctor's appointment or when picking up a prescription and all the "possible side effects" grossness you get to hear at the end of every miracle drug ad.  I get it.  We are a litigious society and will sue at the drop of a hat.  I have to think it all goes back to that hot cup of coffee spilled in someone's lap and then they got the bright idea (clearly a first for someone surprised that a HOT cup of coffee might burn them if they placed it in their bare lap, probably between their legs and then drove off in a car...sigh...sorry...I ramble...) to sue McDonald's or Starbucks or whatever company was trying to do their job by providing a hot cup of coffee...which is probably what they wanted...nevermind...

Anyway, everyone's chemo week is different.  Which makes it hard to plan.

I like to plan.  I find planning to be comforting and spine-straightening and superpower-inducing.

So, not to shock anyone - I planned for the possibly unplannable (not a word, but it's what my mind wants to say).

The medication modifications are working for me.  I have totally laid off the nausea medicine in favor of ginger tea - hot and cold, depending on my mood (thanks Mickey!).  And gingerale - because man, oh man, this chemo gives me a SWEET TOOTH!  I am a salty girl, but not with this...salt can't touch the nasty, tinny taste in my mouth, but a pop of gingerale or a bite of perfectly ripe fruit - BAM!

I have also, with my doctor's approval, changed around the dosage of the steroids...which I do not like to take, but appreciate their benefit during this recovery time.  I am taking them longer past chemo, but in smaller doses.  Kind of like weaning myself off them slower, but still getting all the mg or whatever they come in.  I think it agrees with me.

I have not bothered with the 'deep bone pain' medicine...yikes!  That was a total butt-kicker!  In favor of acetaminophen...the generic kind, you know, really cheap Tylenol!  It's keeping the white blood cell regeneration pain at bay quite nicely.  And doesn't turn me into a buzzing freak of nature.  YAY!

I am forgetful.  My balance is shot.  I am weary.  And I am weepy.

Forgetful seems far too normal to my family - they just chuckle (have I mentioned they are evil???).  The balance thing is weird, but I have 3 strong family members who are more than happy to lend an arm to hold me up.  The weary is my new reality.  I am set up to rest when I need to.  I still push a bit too hard - but only in the safety of my own home or when there is no other choice...like the dogs need to go out or be fed or I need to do something recovery-related and there is no one around to assist.  I napped a little bit yesterday, but I feel better if I just veg out on the couch awake and watch my myriad of recorded shows that are just for me!  I was in "A Chef's Life" heaven most of the afternoon yesterday...thank you Vivian!

The weepy part is wearing on me.  My lovely doctor gave me and my family wonderful advice when we had our very first appointment.  She talked about how we should talk to each other during chemo - the appointments, the recovery, the ups and downs.  We listened, we practiced, we heard her...but I think yesterday I was "thumb sucking" as Daddy used to call it.

Feeling sorry for myself.  Not because I have cancer, but more because I have a new reality.  And I can't and wouldn't change it - I want this new reality because I believe it's going to lead me right out of cancer and into survivorship.

But, there I was - weepy.  Needing people around me.  Paying attention to me.  Wanting to hold my hand and talk to me and watch my shows (which they could care less about) with me.  During the summertime when they have plans.

I may be in chemo week, but first and foremost, I am a mom.  I want my kids to enjoy their summers.  I want them to have as much normalcy as possible.  I want them to be happy and carefree and joyful and with their friends.

So, without hesitation, I gave them permission to go.  Away from me and my weepy self.  I didn't make them feel guilty (at first...but we'll get to that).  My only conditions revolved around getting them places - because, let me just tell you that I have no business driving right now!  My lack of focus and balance and overall weariness seems a poor combination to put behind the wheel of even my compact car!

And so they left.

To my rescue - a friend I haven't gotten to spend as much time with as I would like - because life is like that.  Business comes when it comes and you have to respond, especially when it means an easier life for your family or a bit of a bump to your passion or business or goals.  And so, no matter how much we enjoy the heck out of each other, we have not had the time to make the time to hang out.  And seriously, we know the risks...I don't think we have ever had a "coffee" that lasted less than 3 hours!!!!

So, she was sweet enough to sit with me at my kitchen table and we talked and laughed and enjoyed a few hours.  But then she left.  And the house was empty.  And I was weepy.  Full of totally unfounded loneliness.  I was tired...why didn't I just rest or take a nap?  And I wanted to make something, but

I knew I needed help.  Why did that matter so much?  And I wanted someone to hold my hand.  But I had 2 perfectly lovely dogs keeping me company and completely eating up the extra attention.

Now, my son got home first - it's no wonder - I burst into tears when he was leaving (so yes, I did kind of make him feel guilty for leaving me, but it was unintentional...I had no control in that moment)....I'm certain he was mortified and thought I had lost my mind....but I just couldn't help it.  I didn't want him to leave.  But then I had to send him out to pick up my daughter.  And they handle things completely differently, so I should not be surprised that when they got home from a pretty short car ride together, there was tension.  I'm sure it was about crazy mom and why one got to go out for lunch with a buddy and one just got a Sonic drink.  Or something just as Earth-shattering.

Anyway, I handled it poorly.  Because I'm weepy.  And weary.  And I was thumb-sucking.

So, last night I had my worst evening so far.  Nothing I can't handle, but it tried my patience and I lost my ability to say "I need you to...." or "It's important to me that we....".  I was silent and stoic and totally self-involved and not the least bit proud of it.

But no matter how much I knew my behavior was selfish, I couldn't get out of the funk.

Even on the most normal day, if the entire family is at home at dinner time, I expect us to eat together at the table.  Without our phones, with music, but not television in the background.  I hope for conversation, but sometimes we settle for camaraderie or just a bit of togetherness and laughter and silliness.

I have decided, after a fair night's sleep and a beautiful rain this morning and a quiet cup of coffee, THAT was the root of my weepiness.  I wanted a family dinner since we were all home.  But I was unable to create a family dinner in my current state of unbalance and out-of-focus and weariness and it's just not as important to anyone else.  They see it as too much work for me, and since they didn't understand how important it was to me (and I couldn't tell them with my thumb in my mouth like a big ole baby!), they thought it would be easier to just fend for ourselves, make it more casual, grab something.  My husband wants to make everything less stressful for me wherever he can.  My kids (since the switch to clean eating in our home) seriously jump with gusto at any opportunity to eat carry out junk....it hurts my heart....  And, I am eating for my life right now.  I don't want to put anything in my body that doesn't help more than it hurts...unless it's a crazy craving - like the gingerale or the perfect piece of dark chocolate salted caramel fudge...huhn?  where'd that come from....man, I want a piece of fudge right now!!!

Anyway, we made it through.  I am still buzzy and unbalanced and tired and the hair thing is causing some crazy manic thoughts (I am actually taking pictures of the bunches and tangles that are coming out....why?), but I am feeling less weepy towards my family.  I have cried a dozen times at the violence that is happening in our world.  My heart broke wide open watching the horror in Nice, France last night...just minutes after watching and weeping over another funeral for an officer here in DFW.  I don't and can't understand hatred.  I do understand fear, but I just can't get my brain to make the jump from fear of different or unknown or something past or something perceived to hatred.  And my heart hurts.  Thankfully, it makes me want to reach out, give a hug, a smile, any piece of myself that might help, a prayer or an extra ounce of patience and tolerance and love.  It's how I was raised and I hope it's one of the things I bring to chemo week that will help me heal (and if not heal the world, at least not hurt anyone else during my new reality.)