Coming Out the Other Side of Chemo....

Hello there!

Hunh....seems like a long time since I've seen clearly enough to recognize a face or at least focus on it long enough to connect the dots in my brain that say - presence, face, friend, name, "hello"...

Why?  Because chemo was a bit of a butt-kicker!

And not at all what I thought it would be like (how dare I?, I know...but this is who I am!) and easier and harder than I thought it would be all at the same time.

I was a trusting participant when I went into the room for the first 'infusion'.  I had some ideas, lots of images from movies and television, a couple of retold accounts of other's experiences, but zero first-hand knowledge.  My family suffers from heart disease and severe Alzheimer's ... it's what I know.

That day is best left to the softened edges of memory.  It's like childbirth (and I had 2 nearly-10 pound babies naturally).  I know there was pain, but I can't really put my finger on it...nor do I want to!

The next day was something between proving I was tougher than chemo and wanting to share all the bizarre things I was experiencing.  I chose not to drive, but I think I probably could have.  It was nice to always have someone with me - to remind me that I was real and awake and not in outer space.  I craved connection - lots of hand-holding and leaning in (the personal, not professional kind).  And I missed out on a couple of key opportunities to take better care of myself...because I just didn't get it yet.

Note to self...make hydration a priority...set a timer, make it someone's job to make sure I am drinking lots of water throughout the day of and day after when I could have cared less about drinking water.  And, don't eat ANYTHING except fruits, veggies and broth for the 2 days before chemo...trust me, my stomach and digestive system will thank me for a week following chemo!

Thursday was all jumbled up and jangly.  I felt like I had a hangover..."the mixed every form of alcohol and diet soda and beer (I'm certain there was Rumple Minze...oh my goodness...), no food, loud music, someone was smoking and we danced until we sweat out all liquids in our bodies" kind of hangover.  It's been a while, but you just don't forget these things.  I was dehydrated and full of chemo chemicals.   

Second note to self:  Drink more water, eat more fruit.  Got it!

Friday, we had a dance competition-of all things.  Amazing what you can do if one of your kiddos is counting on you.  I didn't move fast, but I moved efficiently.  I couldn't multitask worth a darn, but I got the hair changes done in time and without incident.  I didn't get enough pictures, but I saw her with every fiber of my being...my beautiful dancer.  I ate a little, I rested when I could and I slept like the dead.  I didn't feel nauseous, which is what I was prepared for and I was clearly still "hungover".

Note to self three:  lay off the prescriptions for nausea and pain.   Start with tylenol.  I think all that medication in my system just added to the jangles.

Saturday, chemo walked up and punched me in the chest.  HARD!

It's the first time I've missed my daughter dance.  It's the first time I knew it was the right and not the least bit selfish thing to do.  I was still hungover, which was getting old quickly.  AND, out of nowhere, my head would basically burst into flames and this sweat would start pouring down my face and neck...it was so awful.  So awful.  AND, I was tired.

This is not your ordinary tired.  I would think to myself (and if anyone else was around, say out loud) "Woo...I'm tired."  and before I knew it, I was asleep.  For like 90 minutes at a time.  It was fast and furious fatigue...I've decided to call this Ninja Fatigue.  I've never experienced anything like it.  This was also the day I became aware of "note to self #3".  I had had enough of medications.  I decided to go back to my old standby - generic tylenol.  Good decision!  Took away some of the buzzing which was a tremendous relief.

Note to self #4:  Listen to your body.  Trust your body.  And don't drive or operate heavy equipment during the Ninja Fatigue phase!!!

Sunday, the hangover eased up.  The crazy head sweats went away and I could almost form complete sentences without wandering off mentally.  Monday, I was still tired, but my appetite returned, the hangover was less intense again.  Tuesday, I saw the light at the end of the chemo tunnel and started toward it.  Sadly, the chemo tunnel is LONG...so it took me until sometime Wednesday morning to get all the way out.

But I am human all the way again! (clearly, I am still tired, because I saved this post and went away for a couple of days...and we pick up here on Friday...)

There are some physical things that came with my chemo that I am still experiencing - the mouth irritation is the worst!  And the bizarre sensation of my white blood cells regenerating in the center of my chest that I can do without...except for the fact that it's helping me heal and that's what this is all about, so it's kind of cool, if I'm honest.

So, addition to Note to Self (#1):  Use the ACT mouth rinse from the jump.  5 times a day.  And a gentle waterpik twice a day.  And eat a lot of watermelon and frozen grapes to take the tinny taste out of my my mouth.

And I learned some things.  Fruits, veggies, scrambled eggs and grilled, blackened fish are the only things that taste like food.  Everything else tastes like I'm biting on a little piece of aluminum foil...ew.  Watermelon is the chemo magic food.  Water and food all at the same time.  I have eaten 4 watermelons in 8 days...all by myself. 

(once again...had to walk away from this...mostly to do real-life things like clean my bathrooms and get some laundry & grocery shopping done...and we are back on Sunday morning...)

The treatment was surreal.  The Cold Cap therapy was far more intense than I expected.  The mental loss of focus and feeling of being outside my body were the worst parts.  The tummy and mouth stuff were my least favorite physical parts. 

My family is outstanding.  My husband is a rock and a mind-reader and a wonderful father and multi-tasker.  My daughter is efficient at a very high end of the efficiency spectrum.  She is funny and ironic.  She brings normalcy to chemo.  She is practical.  My son is nurturing.  He doesn't ever look directly at the chemo, more around the edges, but he is always available to hold my hand or rub my back or bring me ice water or get me gingerale or watch a mommy movie without complaint.  Sophie is a sideline medicine dog - never ON my lap, but always by my side.  Daisy is as ON me as she can fit and still the baby of the family - when it's time to eat or go outside or play - it's really all about her, but she does it with such joy that it cheers me up.

My friends are precious.  Check-ins and messages and absolutely no pressure.  Kind words, listening ears, prayers and positive thoughts. 

I also have a million words to say about my social network and this incredible thing that happened from Friday evening into Saturday...but I need to dedicate an entire post to that...just know if you were part of my miracle - I am honored and so very grateful and humbled by your kindness.

I am blessed beyond words and 25% DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!