Countdown to Chemo...Round 2

Logically, I know it makes no sense to ruin my last few days before chemo worrying about chemo.  I also know logic has very little to do with how I am feeling.  I am scared and bit anxious, obsessed with planning and behaving and clean eating and healthy living and walks and stretching and water, water, water.

I catch myself tearing up about the strangest things.  I reach out to hold my kids' hands every chance I get.  I make excuses to have everyone with me as much as possible. This is actually a really good side effect of my worry!

In the back of my brain there is this nagging sense of what's to come....what will it be like this time?  What can I do better?  Or differently?  Or how will my body react this time?  What meditation can I employ without headphones?

I had to go for lab work (again...every week...jeeeeezzzz!) yesterday and I stopped into my oncologist's office to see if I could get a call from the nurse.  She asked me to 'hang on a sec' and she came out to see me.  She is adorable and makes me feel much younger than I am...I love that!  And she listens.  With her whole being.  And she has been through this with so many people - all breast cancer warriors.  And she didn't make me feel ridiculous for asking the questions I asked or worrying about the things I was worrying about.  How cool is that?

So, I have my plan.  At least the medicine part.

And I have my food plan.  I could be wrong (as I have said a dozen or more times - I am not a doctor, not even close!) - but I credit a lot of my well-being after chemo to my Paleo diet.  I had nothing in my system that could cause the devil inflammation (other than the chemicals, perhaps) and nothing to cause me excess nausea (other than the chemicals) or tummy troubles (other than the chemicals).

I have decided to fruit fast - which isn't a fast at all, but it's really fun to say!  Anyway, I will be restricting my diet to fresh fruits and bone broth for 2-3 days prior to chemo.  Fingers crossed it will help with some of the less-pleasant parts of post-chemo bathroom fun...sorry, that was gross, but oh my goodness - what a rude and unpleasant surprise!

The funniest thing is - planning for my 'fruit fast' has made me fruit obsessed just thinking about what I want to have in the house.  I can tell you I am getting more than my daily requirements of fresh fruits.  Yesterday I ate a giant bowl of blackberries and slice white nectarines, a banana and two giant helpings of grapes (with a little cashew butter - because...YUM!).  Today, I cut up a fresh pineapple and am not proud of how little is left!  And tonight - I have a golden honeydew that caught my eye while I was running errands calling my name.  I've never had a golden honeydew...but I am giddy with anticipation....please let it be delicious, please let it be delicious!!!

Of course there will be watermelon.  Lots of watermelon.  And more red seedless grapes...I am a stellar grape selector.  They have to be round, not oval.  They have to be firm - like really firm.  I pinch them through the bag or plastic to make sure.  And they have to be pinkier-red than purply-red. And I eat one - right there in the store in front of everyone.  And if they aren't good - I move on to the next bunch.  Even on sale - grapes are expensive.  Especially when they are the fruit everyone in your house loves - they go like wildfire!  And oranges...did you know the heavier the orange - the juicier.  Rumor has it from my favorite produce guy, if the navel is larger, the fruit is more likely to be sweeter....no idea if he's right or not, but if there are 2 oranges and they are both heavy - I buy the one with the larger navel.  He seems like he knows what he's talking about and he always finds me the greenest plantains and the prettiest fresh green beans!

I am (this will surprise no one) hair obsessing too.  I am going to a friend's house and my vanity wants me to wash my hair on Friday (the day of the event)...but my chemo brain says wait until Saturday...so I am going to take my scary unwashed hair to a party.... Eee Gad! My friends love me and will be so nice to me and say unnecessarily nice things about my scary unwashed hair and whatever snappy scarf I decide to go with and I will pretend it doesn't matter until it really doesn't matter.  It's the walking in - it's the showing the world a less-pulled-together version of yourself.  The self that only my family sees.  And, let's be honest, not that often even for them...because I have been blessed to not get sick that often.  Oh well.  Some day this scary-hair-at-a-party story will be hysterical...some day!

Saturday is supposed to be "The Big Shed" day.  The day I've been warned about.  The day when I will probably notice a lot of hair in the shower.  It's so bizarre.  I have always lost a lot of hair in the shower - I purposely try and get all the loose strands out.  I scrub and pull tons of conditioner through and think nothing of the hair loss.  But when there's a chance it won't grow back.  New perspective!  I haven't resorted to lining them up and counting them and I constantly worry that I am jinxing myself when I think things aren't that bad and I'm not losing that much hair...YET!   A very nice lady gave me a bottle of the chemo shampoo and conditioner.  Man!  I wish I was rich!  I could get used to that smell every morning in my shower!  And luxurious...oh YEAH!  (I warned my kids not to touch it.  Even after I raved about how good it felt and smelled...I warned them...MINE!)

Side note - it's funny how selfish cancer can make you.  I love my kids - but especially that week after chemo - if something tasted good - like the watermelon and that dairy-free lime "not really fro-yo" at TCBY - I did not share.  At all!  I cupped my hand around it and hunched over it like I hadn't eaten in months.  It was MINE!  And the rest of the world faded away - it was just me and my fro-yo for 15 minutes.  And if I wanted to take the first shower - I did.  And if I thought there was even a chance I needed to drive somewhere - I refused to let my son take my car.  And if I wanted to watch Wimbledon all day - we watched Wimbledon!  It's so outside my personality - but kind of fun.  A perk, if you will!!!

So, that brings me to another part of my planning - having the lime fake fro-yo in the freezer, and making the frittata that tasted so good.  And writing down the specifics for making my guacamole just in case.  And having the movies that bring me joy at the ready - my list so far - The Duff, Gilmore Girls on Netflix, Return to Me, Only You, The Proposal....fluff, but I don't care!  I've been DVRing Fixer Upper because - really?  pure Texas joy and inspiration!  I've also been recording Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire movies for those drowsy days.  I should be set in the veg on the couch department.  Last time I set myself up with books and magazines.  I love to read.  What an opportunity to read....HA!  I underestimated chemo and reading.  I couldn't focus long enough to make it through a paragraph, much less an article or a chapter.

And, biggest prep of them all.  I've decided not to work on chemo weeks anymore.  It's not that I can't work...but the pressure of providing a high-quality product as a one-man show is too much when you are having an out-of-body experience.  What if I don't feel good.  What if I waste an ounce of healing energy worrying about garnishes or a sauce or my knife cuts?  We need the income, but I've decided we need me more.  Summer is my slowest season.  Lots of folks are going on holiday in the next few weeks.  And it might be nice to rest and spend my energy on little walks and a nice car ride with my family or a trip to the pool instead of a trip to the market or hours at the prep table.

Cooking is my happy place.  So, I feel sure I'll still cook on chemo week.  But for the next treatment weeks, I'm going to test new recipes or let myself be inspired by whatever looks good at the store or in the weekly ads.  Or I may just cut watermelons and eat them.  Watermelon after watermelon after watermelon!  And that will be okay too.

I have been praying and finding silent time to calm myself.  I have a list of inexpensive, fun things to do and we are trying to check them off as a family.  It's so much more fun to have a tiny adventure than it is to worry about Tuesday.  I can't completely change who I am - so worry is kind of a given.  Plan is definitely a given!  But I am finding peace and making a point to just enjoy each moment.

Chemo will come and then it will go...and I will be able to say I am half-way done!  Now, THAT'S a plan!!!